Messy

My messy apartment.

I am messy. My ex was not messy. Not messy is the nice way of putting it. And when I would make a mess (which was often), I would get scolded. It made me feel like a bad person, like the very core of me was flawed and wrong.

In retrospect, it astonishes me how many tears were shed over something as trivial as not immediately picking up after myself. I mean, really, who cares? How could I place my own self-worth in the hands of someone who judged me on my ability to keep the house straightened up?

Don’t get me wrong. It was a good relationship in a lot of ways. And the cleanliness of the house was one of the few things we fought about. But, unfortunately, even the good things I believed about myself I believed because he said so. I didn’t recognize how smart, or funny, or giving, or loving I was on my own; I recognized and appreciated those qualities about myself because he appreciated those qualities in me.

I let someone else’s values and beliefs dictate how I felt about myself.  Allowing him to influence not only my actions, but my feelings about myself really came down to not trusting myself. What he had to say about me was more important than what I had to say about me.

Trusting yourself comes down to believing that your thoughts and goals are valid and worth realizing. And I still struggle to believe myself. I know that I am meant to be a chiropractor…right? I know that my playfulness and humor are a couple of my strongest qualities… aren’t they? I know that I am worthy of love and respect… don’t you agree?

So 2012 will be about me trusting me.  I know that I know what is right for me. I like my ears gauged, even if some friends find it unattractive. I know chiropractic works, even if my dad doubts it. My goofiness is one of my strengths, although I’ve been labeled immature.  I’m going to make mistakes and stumble. I‘m going to collect a few more scars. My life is messy, but I’m going to trust myself to live it.