Grateful

Ok, I probably don’t need to be spending time blogging this week because I have 1000 things to do for school… But I feel the need to stop and be grateful. When I came home tonight, after a long day which was made longer by getting anxious about the rest of the week, I looked around my mess and it struck me how grateful I am to have this life.

I am grateful for:

·         My dog. Best roommate ever.

·         My bike- hours and miles and friends.

·         Blair chiropractic and the light it’s turned on in me.

·         NPR. I love the news, and the political coverage, and Ira Glass, and the stories about things that I didn’t even know that I didn’t know.

·         Ella Fitzgerald.

·         Old running shirts from my grandpa. As far as I’m concerned, they’re the very essence of him.

·         The 100 crushes I have on 100 different people for 100 different reasons and my single, free, anything’s possible reality.

·         Finding new ways to connect (like yoga).

·         The people that love me.

·         Being proved wrong when I doubt that things will work out or that the universe will provide.

I can’t even come up with negatives or sarcastic remarks. They’re there. They’ll pop up tomorrow when I realize I spent last night blogging instead of studying heart murmurs and gallops. But tonight I’ll pause and know that I am so lucky that an exam on the lungs and heart is one of my most immediate concerns.

Although tomorrow I will be freaking out! 

Finding this picture online counts as studying, right?

Me in Italics

Recently, my mom was in an accident. It wasn't life threatening, but still pretty serious. I dropped everything to go be with her in the hospital. I know how I would have treated a friend in my situation, and I was surprised to be disappointed by some of my friends. It would have been nice if people would have let me know that they were thinking of me, that they supported me in this stressful time, blah, blah, blah.

  

Honestly, I’m a little bitter about the whole thing. I’m struggling to not make passive aggressive comments to people. Don’t they realize my mom has this habit of almost dying on me and how I got no sleep and now I have all this make up work to do?

My reaction comes from a me centered view. The world doesn’t owe me anything and it’s not about keeping score. And relationships aren’t always 100% reciprocal. That’s okay. But it’s not productive to carry around bitterness.  

I try to be a giving and loving person. I think it’s important to be grateful. One of my goals is to love the people I come in contact with. I want to live a life of serving others and treating people well.

So, my actions should remain the same. I should still strive to be loving and giving. I am still grateful. I am here to serve others. Happiness won’t come from being bitter (although there is a certain satisfaction in it). Because, really, it’s not about me.            

  "In a nutshell, when life is pleasant, think of others. When life is a burden, think of others. If this is the only training we remember to do, it will benefit us tremendously and everyone else as well."

  -Pema Chodron

Except this blog. This blog is totally about me.

My Mom

My mom drives me nuts. She’s totally annoying and totally awkward. I turn into a 13 year old girl around her and am completely embarrassed by everything she does. I see things in me that remind me of her and it scares the crap out of me. Turning into her is one of my few legitimate fears.

My brother understands. He is the only person on this earth who is allowed to agree with me. It’s one of the reasons he and I are so close. No one else was raised by her. If I’m frustrated and on the verge of tears, no one else can give me a sideways look and raise his eyebrows and make me laugh about her. No one else gets my impressions of her.

I know I am really lucky to have the friends in my life that I do. I am really lucky to have the mentors that I do. I am really lucky to be growing into a person that I am proud of. But I would have nothing if I didn’t have the mom that I do.

She says the wrong things when I’m upset. Her hair is always a mess. She makes little comments about my weight. She forgives me when I say the wrong things. She tells me how beautiful I am (and the hair I inherited from her). She radiates with smiles when I walk into the room.

My mom is amazing and believes in me like no one else. There have been decisions I’ve made that only she has understood and supported. I can talk to her about anything and know I will always receive love in return. I see a lot of her in me (and my brother loves pointing this out). But she’s my mom, and I love her, and if I’m going to turn out like anyone… well, I guess I'm glad it's her.

Oh, and she laughs at my impressions of her.

Messy

My messy apartment.

I am messy. My ex was not messy. Not messy is the nice way of putting it. And when I would make a mess (which was often), I would get scolded. It made me feel like a bad person, like the very core of me was flawed and wrong.

In retrospect, it astonishes me how many tears were shed over something as trivial as not immediately picking up after myself. I mean, really, who cares? How could I place my own self-worth in the hands of someone who judged me on my ability to keep the house straightened up?

Don’t get me wrong. It was a good relationship in a lot of ways. And the cleanliness of the house was one of the few things we fought about. But, unfortunately, even the good things I believed about myself I believed because he said so. I didn’t recognize how smart, or funny, or giving, or loving I was on my own; I recognized and appreciated those qualities about myself because he appreciated those qualities in me.

I let someone else’s values and beliefs dictate how I felt about myself.  Allowing him to influence not only my actions, but my feelings about myself really came down to not trusting myself. What he had to say about me was more important than what I had to say about me.

Trusting yourself comes down to believing that your thoughts and goals are valid and worth realizing. And I still struggle to believe myself. I know that I am meant to be a chiropractor…right? I know that my playfulness and humor are a couple of my strongest qualities… aren’t they? I know that I am worthy of love and respect… don’t you agree?

So 2012 will be about me trusting me.  I know that I know what is right for me. I like my ears gauged, even if some friends find it unattractive. I know chiropractic works, even if my dad doubts it. My goofiness is one of my strengths, although I’ve been labeled immature.  I’m going to make mistakes and stumble. I‘m going to collect a few more scars. My life is messy, but I’m going to trust myself to live it.

I'm a little bit in love with Ron Paul.

I’m a bit little obsessed with the Iowa Caucus.  I can’t get enough of hearing about the candidates on NPR and CNN (now there’s two different approaches to reporting the news). And…  I’m a little bit in love with Ron Paul.

I’m no Republican. I disagree with him on most of the issues. But I appreciate his stand on personal freedom. He’s interested in preserving the constitution.  He also has this charisma I’m completely attracted to. But what I love most about him is his congruity, his consistency, and his integrity. I am so impressed with the way he takes a stand based on his values. He isn’t influenced by lobbyists and he doesn’t flip flop.

That’s so rare to see in real life, much less in a politician. Those qualities- congruity, consistency, integrity- are qualities I look to emulate. A little charisma wouldn’t hurt me either.

I can’t vote for him. But I can admire him and practice those qualities in my life. And I’m definitely going to be a little bit in love with him.

Resolutions

I love that the New Year is a chance to decide how you want the upcoming year to go. Kind of like how at the beginning of every new semester you have big plans of not procrastinating this semester. I’m generally more successful with my New Year’s resolutions.

 2011 was the best year of my life. I gained my footing in school and don’t let it stress me out as much now as it used to. I changed my last name back to my maiden name and am feeling more like myself again. I moved into a great apartment where I’m settled and am in love my own little space in this world. And I inherited some fish from my old neighbor- those guys are just fun to watch while lying in bed.

I’m not even going to go into how 2011 was hard and stressful except to say that I’ve been forced to be honest with myself and grow. So it all comes back to being a great year.

I’m resolving now- in this public forum (eek!)- to make 2012 even better. How could it possibly be better, you ask? Well, here’s what I have in mind:

• Love and respect my body.
• Enjoy what I’m learning in school.
• Read more.
• Write.
• Make new friends.
• Vacuum more.
• Get involved with the Unitarian church in town.
• Smile at strangers.
• Teach my dog some fun new tricks.
• Host dance parties.
• Floss. 
• Be grateful.

I’m looking forward to reporting back about how successful I am and about how to make 2013 even better.

Happy New Year.