Slow down. (Take a breath.)

I was told I need to slow down. 

I don’t always listen to advice, but I was told I needed to slow down by someone so wise, someone who knows me so well, by someone I love and respect so much… and it struck a chord of truth in me… so I want to try to slow down. What does “slow down” even mean? It means stillness. Quiet. Reflection. Gratitude. Self-compassion. Slow down. Just be.

I don’t know how.

I have a lot I want to do. Right now, my future job and plans are very up in the air and uncertain. That’s scary for me, but things happen for a reason and I was given this time and opportunity for a reason. But that reason couldn’t be to slow down, could it?

But I want to read books and take classes and work an hourly job and visit offices and join Toastmasters and research articles and write and learn more technique and successful people don’t slow down or let up.

Do they? And what does it matter what “successful” people do? I’m me, not those people. And I love me, don’t I? Or is staying busy just another thing to avoid being with myself?

Hmmmm. So I’ve been keeping my eyes and ears open for ways to slow down. To be still. Quiet. Reflect. Be grateful. Self-compassionate. Slow down. And of course, the first thing I turn to is meditation. To be in the moment, to be in the now. And my heart’s racing because I ate a bunch of circus peanuts before I sat down.

(FYI- eating candy does not improve the meditative practice).

Since my heart’s racing anyway I run. I love to run. I can be outside with my iPod and one of the dogs. Exercise always helps. And I run so fast. Why am I running so fast? It’s so cold and I gasp for the freezing air until my lungs hurt. My legs hurt. My chapped lips hurt. But I keep running fast and push myself harder. Crap. This is the opposite of slowing down.

Once I’m home (and warmed up) I go bother my brother. No better distraction than sitting on the floor in my brother’s office while he’s working! Then we’re both distracted. But it’s fun because we talk about everything. He’s so serious and I try so hard to make him laugh until I succeed. Sweet, hilarious success!  I love my brother. I’m so grateful he’s my roommate. I’m so grateful he’s my bother. I’m so grateful we laugh so much together. But eventually I have to leave him alone so he can get some actual work done. Lame.

So I go on facebook. And as much as facebook is a great way to not be with myself, there are some gems. I follow some links and learn about maitri. Pema Chodron describes it as “unconditional friendship with oneself”. Self-compassion as the basis of compassion for others. Compassion is important because it’s the basis of connection and now I have another thing to work on to improve myself so I can be great!

Oh dear. Actually, I think I’ve missed the point.

Off to the library. I can ride my bike and browse the selves. The library is so interesting because it’s a public space full of quiet. The quiet is exactly what I need right now. I find The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. Hurray! A guide to success! So I read through them… and it’s all about the path of least resistance and letting go of your attachment to the outcome and letting life flow. Oh. But I want things to turn out a certain way. So badly. And when you want something, you chase it down, you put sweat into it, you make it happen. Yes?

No?

Is slowing down a path to success?

But aren’t these ideas exactly why I love meditation? It’s a state of ease and openness. Always, I am attempting to listen to God and find meaning in the everyday occurrences. I strive to live from above, down, inside, out. So why the contradiction between making it happen and letting it flow? I agree that success is following your purpose. Dharma is following your purpose… my purpose is to serve through chiropractic. I’ve established that already. Right?!?

I’m pretty sure it’s not productive to yell at the universe.

(But maybe worth trying?)

Nope.

So I take a breath of stillness… (and another one)… I read on… in a moment of openness and ease I agree that your purpose can change from day to day and moment to moment. And for a moment I am still and quite. And I allow myself to be. (Isn’t that the very essence of self-compassion?) For one little second I have slowed down.

On the bike ride home I listen to the chain turn over the teeth of the gears. I try to make the chain turn more slowly. And I reflect.

Could my purpose be as simple as to keep learning? At every corner and every opportunity? Maybe not in a high pressure “should” or “must” kind of way, but in a state of ease? Could my purpose, just for today, be to be open? To write a little? To laugh with my brother? Why does it have to be so large and lofty? Maybe, quietly, these things little things are large and lofty. I mean, if I’m here, doing this, maybe it’s because it is my purpose.

Now.

Typing.

Sharing a bag of chips with my dogs.