2013 is nearing an end. I’ve been reflecting. It seems
the theme of the year for me is “never-not-broken”. It's not an English
word, or even a western concept (that I know of). The idea and wisdom of it is represented by the Hindu goddess Akhilandeshwari. She’s pretty much my hero.
I did some reading about her over the summer
and came to appreciate the concept in literature. Now, I’m appreciating the
concept in life. I had plans, a life, a dream (and that’s what it was, wasn’t
it? Simply a dream?). It came crashing down and rocked my core more than I
thought it could. I almost can’t admit how broken and confused I feel. I mean,
that was what I was doing and who I was! That was my life!
Except that it wasn’t.
As uncomfortable as it is, (oh, it’s horribly
uncomfortable!) it’s amazing. I’m shattered. I’m broken. And the broken-ness
allows the light to shine in. With all of my cracks, a light from the outside
can peer in and I feel illuminated. When I show my broken pieces to my mother,
to my father, to my brother, to my friends… I feel a vulnerability different
than I’ve ever known. And I’m shown a love I could only hope to find. It’s more
than a hope, it’s my life.
I’m surprised
and impressed they don’t reach for the super glue. Maybe that’s because my
broken-ness allows the light to shine out. If I were glued up and whole I wouldn’t
be expanding. Why am I here if not to continuously grow and expand? I
thought I needed all of these outside things- a boss, a paycheck, a city amongst
the mountains…
What I needed was to see my light bursting
from the cracks (Having so many people hold mirrors up to me helped quite a
bit, of course). From above, down, inside, out, shine my joy, my laughter, my generosity, my caring, myself, my
life.
I’m not defined by my job. I’m not defined by
where I live. I’m intimidated by the road ahead… opening an office on my own,
the financial insecurity, the things I don’t even know I don’t know and the
learning as I go. But I’m not defined by that either. I am my love and my life.
 |
| Look how she shines! It makes me grateful to be broken. |
Good thing I'm full of cracks.
I can only get bigger and brighter.
